At first, I thought it is normal that during sleepovers, you will get to the part where you will have a heart-to-heart talk. Then I realized, why do I think of serious things when I can’t sleep? Time check, 1.41 AM.
Past mid-night. Wide awake. Alone.
Honestly, I really hate it that this is the hour where all the motivations I needed come out from hiding. But the next morning, that motivations will be gone with no trace. Don’t you hate it?
So the out-of-the-universe topic for this hour is about my ex-boyfriend.
It’s been three years since we last seen each other. In that three years, I cut all our connections. After we decided that it’s over, I realized that I don’t want to be friends with my ex. We were not friends before anyway.
Then the weird thing happened. One night, I dreamed of him. He was my classmate. He was talking to me asking me some things but I just looked at him and trying to give him the face, don’t-talk-to-me; does-my-face-looks-like-I-want-to-see-you. When I woke up, I can’t stop from thinking about my dream. There was the question, “what will I do if I meet him accidentally?” Should I greet him if he greets me or pretend like I don’t know him? Knowing myself, I think I am going to greet him and ask how is he doing. Ugh!
Another thinking that comes to my mind is about what I am feeling. I know there is the saying, “You are not in love with the person, but you are in love with the memories.”
I am not saying that I still love my ex. However, I sometimes question myself if I am really over him or I just forgotten him because that’s what moving on was telling me to do.
I am blaming him for not having a closure. A relationship ended without closure will keep you hanging.
I think, what is missing to make me feel at peace is acceptance. Maybe I should totally forget all things about him and all things we did together. Even the happy memories. Maybe I need to accept that this is also the decision I chose.
Two things I am sure about this confusion. First, I don’t love him anymore. I am very sure of that. The love I felt for him before was just an immature one. Second, I will never take him back. Ever.