“If I will compare our love, I’ll compare it to the ferris wheel and the carousel.”
“Why is that?”
“Because both are never-ending.”

#poetry #literature

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Too much emotion to have one title

A series of toss and turn, eyes wide open, and moon glowing brightly outside your window are definitely not a great feeling. It indicates frustration, sadness, and loneliness. It somehow becomes a part of a feeling when you are in trouble. Trouble in a relationship. You want to pull your hair, cry your eyes out, scream until you lose your voice, and stab yourself multiple times. Because it’s unbearable. It should not be felt by anyone.

You choose to open your heart, to love and be loved. But pain is included in loving someone. Fights and misunderstanding are inevitable. But the worst feeling is the feeling that your partner wants to give up and run away. That no matter what you do and how many times you plead and begged, you’ll be ignored. Obviously and eventually you’ll let go from the grip and move on. But before we go to that part, before we surrender everything. Let’s always put this in mind:

If I let him or her go, if I will let these problems drive our relationship; am I strong enough to face the world alone? Will I bear the feeling of not having him or her?

So before we give up from the pain of fights and misunderstanding that try to ruin relationships, let’s ask ourselves those questions.

It’s not being martyr. It’s being the best partner until the end.

Too much emotion to have one title

Seeking For A Family Affection

This is quite long but I hope that you will take time to read. Your comments are highly appreciated.

The 4th commandment says that we should honor our father and mother. When I’m reading the bible, I also see from the passage that you should not disrespect your parents. In my entire existence, there are countless times that I dishonored them. I can’t help it. It feels like I don’t have a control on myself. Even when they hit me when I talk back, it just triggers me to fight back. Violence didn’t change me. It didn’t stop me from talking back. Well, I know the reason why I keep on talking back. When I was young, I talk back nonsense (the kind that deserve to get hit) but these days, I talk back with a reason. I talk back because I want them to hear my opinion. I talk back because I am defending myself because no one will do that for me. I talk back because I want them to be aware that I am doing nothing wrong and I want them to know that doesn’t mean they are parents, they are right all the time. My generation is far from their generation. My generation is very foreign to the past generations. They should know how to adjust. Maybe I also watch a lot of American movies that I already adapted the behavior of the teenagers that are being shown in the movies. Maybe I thought that it is alright to talk back because I am defending myself. Maybe I thought they will understand because that’s what I see what the parents do in American films; and because they are adults. I expect them to understand why I do such disrespectful thing when we are fighting. But I belong in the country far from the culture of Americans.

Until now, at the age of 20, I still talk back when they suddenly shout at me and scold me because of their ridiculous reasons. I can’t prevent myself from not talking back because I am still defending myself and I still have the goal to let them know that:
– they are not always right,
– their reasons are not always valid,
– and I am old enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong

But sometimes or in my mom’s case, most of the time she scolds me because she is being bias. She chose to be on my niece’s side which is 2 years old and scold me always because she doesn’t trust me even I am her daughter. She may dislike me because she can no longer control me and I am a grown-up and nobody like a grown-up person. Let’s face it.

I am a sensitive person. I am a human being. I seek for attention from my family. I am introvert. I don’t have a lot of friends. I need to feel that some time in my life, I am the center of attention; I am the best; and I am the favorite. But clearly,this will never happen. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not anymore. Because like I say, I am already a grown-up. I will never have their attention or affection again.

Now you may say that, “You already said yourself that you are a grown-up. Why then seek attention from your parents?” I would like to say that growing up, I didn’t feel the affection from my parents because when I was at my grade school, they threw me and my siblings to the care of our grandparents. Basically, I grew up not with the upbringing of my parents. Everytime I get mad at them because they question my personality, I want to tell them that I turned like this, a disrespectful bad person, because they didn’t watch me while growing up. They didn’t teach me morals. They don’t have the rights to get the credit of my achievement, emotionally, spritually, and academically because I was the one who help myself surpassed the challenges I encountered. I taught myself not to take drugs,not to smoke, not to cut classes, and not to have sex. They were not the one who put that in my mind. I am!

When it comes to my relationship to my parents, it is really confusing. My emotions are up and down. I envy people who are very close to their parents. Those people that are not embarrassed to shown their affection to their parents and tell them how much they love them.

I go to a bible study once a week and I read the bible every day. But it seems that I am still broken inside because until now, I can’t fix my relationship with my parents. I still want to get away from them and live alone and have my own life. That idea makes me think that it is the solution to my relationship problem. That maybe, when I will not see and talk to them often, we will miss each other and then will have a good relationship. Like, distant makes the heart grow fonder.

-End-

Seeking For A Family Affection

Reality check at 1 AM

At first, I thought it is normal that during sleepovers, you will get to the part where you will have a heart-to-heart talk. Then I realized, why do I think of serious things when I can’t sleep? Time check, 1.41 AM.
Past mid-night. Wide awake. Alone.
Honestly, I really hate it that this is the hour where all the motivations I needed come out from hiding. But the next morning, that motivations will be gone with no trace. Don’t you hate it?

So the out-of-the-universe topic for this hour is about my ex-boyfriend.

It’s been three years since we last seen each other. In that three years, I cut all our connections. After we decided that it’s over, I realized that I don’t want to be friends with my ex. We were not friends before anyway.

Then the weird thing happened. One night, I dreamed of him. He was my classmate. He was talking to me asking me some things but I just looked at him and trying to give him the face, don’t-talk-to-me; does-my-face-looks-like-I-want-to-see-you. When I woke up, I can’t stop from thinking about my dream. There was the question, “what will I do if I meet him accidentally?” Should I greet him if he greets me or pretend like I don’t know him? Knowing myself, I think I am going to greet him and ask how is he doing. Ugh!

Another thinking that comes to my mind is about what I am feeling. I know there is the saying, “You are not in love with the person, but you are in love with the memories.”

I am not saying that I still love my ex. However, I sometimes question myself if I am really over him or I just forgotten him because that’s what moving on was telling me to do.

I am blaming him for not having a closure. A relationship ended without closure will keep you hanging.

I think, what is missing to make me feel at peace is acceptance. Maybe I should totally forget all things about him and all things we did together. Even the happy memories. Maybe I need to accept that this is also the decision I chose.

Two things I am sure about this confusion. First, I don’t love him anymore. I am very sure of that. The love I felt for him before was just an immature one. Second, I will never take him back. Ever.

Reality check at 1 AM